Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the whiskey in your morning coffee, the scorpion sleeping in the shoe of every Chiefs fan, and the World’s Greatest Football-related Humorist, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Once again, I come to you fresh off another correct prediction, yet again predicting a Raiders loss. Wins are rare commodities these days, when Josh McDaniels is the best living example of the Peter Principle: that workers get promoted until they reach the level of their incompetence. Coaching is full of this sort of thing, but few people have succeeded as a coordinator and failed as a head coach as spectacularly as McDaniels. Sometimes it’s best not to follow your dreams or fulfill your ambitions.
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chargers, Week 4
Raiderdamus: Packers vs. Raiders, Week 5
The Raiders are on prime time again, giving McDaniels another opportunity to show his *ss in front of the entire country and get everyone wondering why he still has a head coaching job. Nobody has ever watched a game he has been the head coach in and come away saying, “That Josh McDaniels sure is sharp; he totally outcoached the other team.” If he ever wins a game, it’s because of dumb luck or the other team screwing up worse than him. In anticipation of another Raiders game spent drinking and yelling, I’ve once again asked the Great Beyond to weigh in with his thoughts on the upcoming game. Here is the message I received:
“Sometimes, when a team has been really bad for a long time, a new coach and quarterback combination can turn things around. Philly did this with Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid. Cincinnati did this with Zac Taylor and Joe Burrow. Kansas City did this with Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid. Green Bay did this with Brett Favre and Mike Holmgren, with Andy Reid on staff. The Raiders could do this next year with Caleb Williams and literally any other coach except the one they have, but they won’t.
The Raiders are not a team that puts up with mediocrity forever; they fire coaches all the time; it’s just that they never hire good ones to replace the guys they fired like the aforementioned teams did.
How about that Raiders owner…
Mark Davis saw his father hire and fire thousands of people and understandably wants continuity at the head coach position, but continuity with someone who stinks is worse than a revolving door. And Davis could fire McDaniels if he wanted to. There’s been rumors going around for a year that Davis is cash poor and can’t fire McDaniels. He’s so cash poor that he bought the world champion Las Vegas Aces and gave a gazillion dollars to UNLV so they could come in fourth in the Mountain West next year.
I already know who you’re playing this week. I can smell the dairy air from here. The last time the Raiders played the Packers on Monday Night Football was the day after Brett Favre’s father died, and he took out his frustrations by personally stealing the welfare money from every fan in the Coliseum that night. This year’s Packers are not that team and are acting like they’re on a permanent darkness retreat, having given up “Top Dog” status in their division to the Lions.
Green Bay traded the only great player they had to the Jets, and when he tore his Achilles on the first drive against the Bills, he tore their hearts in two as well. Green Bay has been the “Aaron Rodgers pulls a win out of his *ss” show for a decade now, and without him, they’re just the *ss. Jordan Love has finally taken over as the starting quarterback for the Packers, but as any divorced man and the J. Geils Band will tell you, Love stinks.
Raiders fans like to say…
Raider fans like to say, “There are 31 teams in the NFL, and then there are the Raiders”, which doesn’t hit like you want it to when the team hasn’t won a playoff game in 22 years. Green Bay is similar in that there are 31 NFL cities, and then there is Green Bay. It is not a city; it is a truck stop on the Great Lakes that happens to have a football stadium inside a residential neighborhood.
There is no real reason that Green Bay exists at all, much less any reason for the Packers to be there. If it weren’t for Brett Favre, the Packers probably wouldn’t be there now and would have moved to Milwaukee or St. Louis or been mercifully contracted and thrown into Lake Michigan, where they belong. The stadium is named for Curly Lambeau, who, along with his brothers Moe Lambeau and Larry Lambeau, founded the Packers in 1919. I have something in common with most Packers fans: I have never been to Green Bay.
Raiderdamus: The Green Bay Packers have the…
While the Raiders and many other teams have questionable ownership, the worst owners in the NFL have to be the Packers’ owners. Each citizen of Green Bay gets a little certificate saying they are part owner of the Packers, and that piece of paper would be more useful to them if they wiped their *ss with it. They don’t get to decide anything. They don’t get guaranteed season tickets, they just get to act like they’re important, but by virtue of living in Wisconsin, they are not.
The real decision-makers of the Packers have done three things over the past 30 years’ worth anything: sign Reggie White and luck into two generational talents at quarterback. Everything else has been just them losing to the 49ers in the playoffs.
Now that Aaron Rodgers’ ankle fell off and his reign of terror is over, the Packers will go back to what they really are: a third-rate team in a seventh-rate town trying to convince themselves that the likes of Dan Majkowski will lead them to glory while their division mates rack up playoff wins.
Wisconsin is a state famous for its cheese and beer, a place where drunk driving isn’t just a crime; it’s a tradition. The Packers’ winning percentage this year will be safely under the blood alcohol levels of their fans, who collect DUIs because they’re the only things Brett Favre won’t steal. With all that Wisconsin cheddar (which is ultimately inferior to Tillamook from Oregon) and New Glarus Spotted Cow beer (also inferior to Ninkasi beer from Oregon) comes rampant obesity and alcoholism. That’s the reason the seats at Lambeau Field are metal or concrete bleachers; individual seats are too narrow for Packers fans.
Final Prediction from Raiderdamus
Packers fans have heard from other NFC North fans ever since they traded Rodgers, “The bad man can’t hurt us anymore.” And Packers fans are used to hearing that; it’s what their moms told them when the cops dragged their fathers away when they were six.
Advice to anyone in Vegas: don’t go drinking on Tuesday. There won’t be any alcohol left in the city by the time all the Packer fans leave.
Packers win, 23-10.
*Top Photo: AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin