Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Round Mound of Profound, the Spherical Miracle, and the greatest roaster since Kenny Rogers, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today, exultant, for the Raiders have won two games in a row and look like a real NFL team. For those Raider fans unfamiliar with winning two consecutive games, that is called a “winning streak” and is something that quality teams do fairly often. In his entire tenure with the Raiders, Josh McDaniels only won two games in a row twice, beating the Broncos and Seahawks in November 2022 and the Packers and Patriots earlier this year.
Las Vegas will be going for three in a row this Sunday, and in keeping with ancient tradition, I have asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding this week’s game. Here is the message I received:
“Say what you want about Dolphins fans; they are loyal. You can’t be a bandwagon Dolphins fan unless you started watching the NFL in 1973.
In the time since the Dolphins last won the Super Bowl, the Miami Hurricanes have won five NCAA national championships. The Marlins have won two World Series, and the Heat have won three NBA Finals. Professional football has taken a real back seat in Miami, which is why the favorite local team had to go out and get some serious offensive firepower. With any luck, Lionel Messi will bring another pro football championship to Miami very soon.
Good football teams start with good coaching and a good quarterback, which is why Miami committed blatant tampering to try to acquire Sean Payton and Tom Brady on several occasions from 2019 to 2022. The Denver Broncos wish Miami would have succeeded, but all Miami got was a few draft picks taken away, and now they have a coach in Mike McDaniel who looks like if Axe Body Spray were a person and looks like the type of guy who approaches you in a bar to sell you an NFT.
Tom Brady knew better than to sign with a perennial loser franchise like Miami and instead went to the Florida team with a history of winning Super Bowls—the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Miami instead turned to Tua Tagovailoa as their quarterback, and he puts up the kind of empty, meaningless passing yardage totals Dan Fouts would be proud of. “Tua Tagovailoa” is Hawaiian for “Jay Fiedler”.
Recently, Tagovailoa unveiled a new hairstyle, putting his hair in cornrows. His new ‘do has drawn comparisons to Drake, which is appropriate because Drake makes a lot of money, but nobody thinks he is actually any good. Perhaps Tua was trying to pull a move from the 1999 cinematic classic She’s All That, wherein the main character gets a new hairdo, loses her glasses, and suddenly becomes the hottest girl in school.
A more likely explanation is that Tua is trying a hairstyle that will cushion his head and prevent the sort of violent concussions that Miami’s offensive line dictates he suffer on a regular basis. Miami has not had a functional offensive line since Raiders legend Richie Incognito got in trouble for making teammate Jonathan Martin sad. I hope Martin never goes on Xbox Live, where he can hear all about how his mother has sexually gratified every gamer in North America.
Miami tried fixing their O-line in 2016, when top prospect Laremy Tunsil fell in the NFL Draft due to video of him smoking weed with a gasmask being leaked just prior to the draft. Miami is a place where cocaine is a food group, so drug use was no issue for the Dolphins, who drafted Tunsil 13th overall. They liked him so much that they traded him to Houston three years later for a bag of magic beans.
The Dolphins and head coach Mike McDaniel are obsessed with speed, acquiring many of the NFL’s fastest players. This checks out, as McDaniel looks like the kind of guy who would mortgage his house to buy a new Ferrari and then trade that Ferrari for meth. Miami’s strategy of being faster than everyone else has proven to work, up until they face a team with a functional defense.
The Raiders’ strategy appears to be to move as slowly as possible and choke the life out of their opponents like a boa constrictor you might find in the plumbing of a Miami apartment complex. If Miami’s speed doesn’t kill the Raiders, Tyreek Hill might just push them down a flight of stairs.
Dolphins win, 37-17.
*Top Photo: CBS Sports